Greg - PUT a shirt on!! That pic is simply scary and school children have been seen running from their homes screaming and scarred for life. ;-)

My best to your mom,

bob

Bob,

That's one of the problems with America today, those kids should already be in bed!!!

Greg, Treat your mother as you want her to treat you. Never argue with her or show disrespect. You'll miss her when she's gone no matter how you feel about her now. Make the effort and you'll be rewarded with pleasant memories of the time you spent together.

ChuxxR,

That's the problem, I know all that and still I have this despicable reaction. Thanks for the encouragement.

What's really weird is I don't have nearly the bad reaction to her when I'm at her home. Go figure!

We all have quirky habits instead of using will power to suppress them try and replace them with something else. I still unconsciously smoke pens from quitting cigarettes decades ago. Embrace your mothers quirks as some of the reasons that you love her and use them to draw closer to her.

Finally on the picture of the shirtless man tearing his hair out. Let go of the past there is nothing there to hold on to.

You are on the first step of your recovery, self awareness.

There are some reactions most likely that you have no control over, however you can address your pre-programmed response by apologizing in her presence.

I too suffer from this malady, although I'm more susceptible to it showing up, when I'm on the telephone with my Mom.

Settle down, Greg. Be happy she doesn't live with you. Actually, you seem like such a cool head when we've met that I'm, placing the blame squarely on your Mother. She must be a monster. ;)

I too have this problem with my Mother. She seems to magnify all the things about myself that I don't like... know-it-all-ism, occasional snobbiness, a hopeless desire to be funny, and wanting to be liked too much. It just seems so tacky when she does it that I hope to God I don't take it as far as she does.

I too wanted to make the shirtless and bald cracks at Greg's expense but I thought it'd be cruel... (thanks Capp and Voter).

CA04_Voter,

The whole thing is steeped in irony and symbolism.

What hair is left to tear out? Shirtless is symbolic of stripped bare!

Your astuteness is appreciated. ;-)

Chris,

When I'm on the phone with my mom I'm at complete ease. Occasionally, something she'll say will get under my skin, but normally I'm just a calm and personable. Thanks for you comments.

Saladin,

You're right! I would need a serious quantity of benzodiazepines in order to pull that off! My friends can make wise-cracks about my appearance (if that's what your pathetic ego requires), and I can take it.

The relationship between a son and his mother is definitely complex. I realize it's a work in progress for me. I hope everyone is successful in their quest to have a great relationship with their mother.

Thank you all for your words.

What's the use of having friends if you can't pick on 'em? :)

Haha, great picture!

Greg, I have the same exact problem and we actually moved here to be near my mom (with whom I am going to spend the whole day with today at the fair-heaven help me). My mom and I even sound the same vocally and THAT annoys me. Now that I am actually the age she was when she was raising me, I find myself walking and talking and doing all the same annoying things she did and it drives me crazy. Why is this? I don't know, maybe it is God's funny way to get us to actually move AWAY from our parents.

But I love my mom anyway and try not to snap at her...but I always find myself caught off guard and doing it. :-/

Oh, and the phone thing. I can talk all day to my mom on the phone and we sound like best friends. There must be something about being together in person. Weird.

Greg - Moms, are sometimes, like holding a mirror up to your own face - great way to see yourself as others see you :-)

I had to be my son's mother to see what kind of daughter I have been. Ouchhhhhhhhh!!

Love your picture and story. Thanks for sharing

Greg

The first half is actually from experience. Over a fifteen year period my mother, grandmother and mother in law spent their last years with us. Admittedly the second part was an attempt at fortune cookie philosophy and before coffee humor.

Saladin

Coming from you cruel might have been accurate but from me Greg's description of pathetic ego is probably closer.

My Mother In Law has lived with us, for close to 20 years and counting. My Mom lives in the Bay Area, a couple of hours drive away.

My wife has to manage the Mom dynamic every day, and on the whole does a wonderful job of it, although we do have to get away for a few days every three or four months .....

CA04_Voter: C'mon, man... don't bogart the pathetic ego comment. We all have pathetic ego's. Why do you think we spend so much time here desperately trying to prove our points? ;)

Chris

I think having your wife's mother live with you is harder on the wife. There is a mother/daughter dynamic is something that I noticed but never quite understood, glad to hear that yours is doing well with it. You hear lots of scary stuff about about it but I found the experience to be very positive. Because of health problems we didn't take many trips until my grandmother moved in. With the two of them there we could get out a bit more.

Saladin

Good point ; )

Gail,

Once I realized what was happening I was a little less frantic when Mom was around. I realize I'm responding in a negative way to those character traits that we share, that I've purposely subdued, and that she has not. Before I could recognize that dynamic I was really spun tight!

Now I'm just hyper-sensitive to her personality since we share so many of the same characteristics.

Hope you have a nice day with your mom. ;-)

Chris,

Having your mother-in-law live with you for 20+ years sounds pretty wild. You're either the bravest, most patient man on the planet, or the craziest! :-)

Hey, if it works for you, keep it up!

Greg, CA04 voter.....

20+ years ago, a decision had to be made for a family member to take care of my Mother in Law. The wife has two older siblings (Brothers).

No one stepped up, so we did. I don't regret the decision, as it was the right thing to do, and my sons got to spend a lot of time with their Grandmother growing up. It's getting tougher as time goes on, as her health, and mental acumen declines. There will be a point, where Assisted Living will have to come into the equation.

The Mother/Daughter dynamics can be difficult. I have learned to let me wife vent at times, and I am best served being quiet. Which if you know me, is very difficult for me to do :)

Wow, Chrishamm, I have to take my hat off to you. Would I be out of line if I asked you to take my Mother-in-law in, too? My wife and I are facing the same scenario. I’ve been looking around for one of those shark cages for her, but I haven’t found one yet. Greg, all kidding aside, I went through my parents aging. As they become elderly there is something in us that resents that. We see our loved ones getting old and it doesn’t sit well with us. We also see our own mortality in the situation. Sometimes we react is a negative way with that. I don’t know if that’s your situation, but for what it’s worth. I was blessed to have my Mom pass away in my arms in Dec of ’04. I took care of both my parents until they passed. It changed my life. Love her up while you can. One day it will be too late, and there’s nothing you will be able to do to change it.

P50. Our "shark" cage is about 24 feet by 24 feet. It's over the top of our garage. Full bath/Bedroom combination, Kitchen/Living room

combination. One parking spot in the garage. Today's construction cost will run out about $65,000. Monthly utilities will run you another $150 or so (including cable or Satellite). I'm not sure my Mother-in-law is looking for a roommate, but I'll ask.

In life there are those that posture and those that do. Not all decisions in life are ones that you necessarily want to do. We do what we have to do for friends and family.

Where it gets together is where you make conscious sacrifices for complete strangers. They may not have the support structure of friends and family like we do. Most of us will bend over backwards to help out a neighbor, or someone from your Congregation. Fix a meal, drive then somewhere, take up a collection. Whatever it takes, you do, and you do with a smile, and wish you could do more.

c-hamm, pat25.5,

I've considered what it would be like to have Mom come live with me........and then I woke up!

However, Chris, I agree with your remark that "not all decisions in life are ones that you necessarily want to do". We only have so much time on this planet, and then it's over. We might as well get the most out of our relationship with the parents while they last.

I have space under my house where I could build an apartment much like the one you've described. I've already told my mom that I would never make her live anywhere she wouldn't agree to. We'll see how that works out!

greg-c. It's important to set some ground rules if you consider buiilding an apartment for your Mom.

When our Mother-in-Law moved in we made it clear, she had to be as independent as possible. If possible, completely come and go as she pleased. We were not planning on doing everything for her from the get go. Over time, we have had to help out more of course.

Every time my wife and I went out to dinner we were not going to take her with us. Yes, we do take her out from time to time. Initially when she moved in, she ate most of her meals with us, however since she had a fully functioning kitchen, we migrated to her eating mostly in her apartment. We invite her down to eat with us on occasion.

So we set up some common sense operating guidelines up front and have tweaked them as time moved on. One thing we did learn, is that one of us always has to accompany her to any medical appointment, because we never got the straight scoop when she went alone, and would be confused about what the doctor said and didn't say.

On the whole the arrangement works ok. It's not all wine and roses, but then again what is?

Chris,

That all makes perfect sense. I can see how guidelines would be essential if I were to move my mother in with us.

But, before I make any plans to bring the old gal up here to live out her days, I realize my sister who lives in So Cal would probably take our mom in to live with her.

I appreciate your recommendation concerning doctor visits. We've had the same experience with my mother-in-law.

My wife's mother lives in Auburn and we keep an eye on her as a general rule. She's very independent, and she doesn't mind going to the doctor, even if she goes alone. But she doesn't always bring back the important information when she goes by herself. So my wife now goes on each visit.

You’re a good man, Chris. Greg, are we going to have another coffee get together?

Pat,

Yes. Coffee meeting good!

When would you suggest we meet?

I had coffee with ChuxxR again last week at Courthouse Coffee and I've decided I really like that place, but it's somewhat restrictive due to small size. I'll go wherever you'd like, but we should do it before August is completely gone.

Our Saturday get together in June was not as well attended as the previous meetings. I'm not sure what that was due to. How about another weekday meeting? You can reach me directly at: calaxcom@hotmail.com

From my experience I think that Chris has it right on just about every point. As much independence as possible and being involved in the medical care is crucial.

Coffee? Did I hear someone mention my addiction?

Pat25.5, CA04_Voter,

BB emailed my today asking the same question.......when are we going to have another get together?

I suggest next Thurday (8-20-09) at 7:30PM. Mr Whitebark says he'll overlook the transgressions of Corporate Starbuck's Coffee in the name of brotherly/sisterly love and convenience, at least for one evening. ;-)

If either of you have a good reason we should schedule this for another time/date, the please let me know right away.

It will be nice to sit outside where there's plenty of room for the rumble!

Greg

Works for me.

CA04_Voter,

You bring the brass knuckles, I'll bring a chain!

If I can make it, I'll bring a bucket of tar, and a feather pillow. After the pillow fight, we can break out the tar

Chris,

Sounds good to me! However, I'll bet we just have another good visit with our cyber-friends/comrades.

It works for me, too, Greg. I’ll be there, with my “T-shirt.” Thanks for your work on putting the meeting together. :)